Do You Share Superman’s Weakness as A Team Player?

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(Part I)

Narrator: Faster than a speeding bullet [do speeding tickets count?] More powerful than a locomotive [has more battery life than the Energizer Bunny?]. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound [work output machine in 40+ hour bouts].
Man 1: Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird!
Woman 1: It's a plane!
Man 2: It's Superman! [Super Stohlmann!]

~From the Adventures of Superman (Shmoop Quotes)

Invincible. Strong. All-in. I got this. Umm…no I don’t. In my first collegiate women’s basketball coaching and recruiting coordinator position, I flew high (living the dream as a team member of an elite basketball program) and then crashed and burned (completely burnt out). College coaching and recruiting is a grind, no doubt about it. There’s always work to be done. I logged thousands of miles by car, caffeine was my best friend, and I outworked others and the competition. I was determined to get the job done for the benefit of the student-athletes and the success of the program, to a fault.

The surprising truth is what really drove me to “be a team player” was more out of fear than service. For example, there’s a lot of administrative work: such as documentation, emails, phone calls, writing, etc. When I would work overnights, this is what consumed my time. I remember reaching out for help with data entry and the availability to delegate wasn’t an option. So, instead of setting my own limits on time and other tasks (boundaries) and collaborating with other staff members to discover alternative possibilities, I worked more because I feared disappointing others and not pulling my weight to get the job done. I thought I was demonstrating that I was a committed “team player” by going above and beyond the call of duty.

“Are you a team player?” According to BOS Staffing, 9 out of 10 job descriptions have a requirement of being a team player. Afterall, “teamwork makes the dream work,” right? Perhaps you have answered this question in an interview sharing that “you play well with others,” “love to collaborate,” “are dependable,” “committed to getting the job done,” and “always willing to give a helping hand.” Oops. Always.

The strengths you have that positively drive you to be a team player can also be your kryptonite. Kryptonite is the assumptions, beliefs, fears, and judgmental thoughts (“should,” “always,” “never,” etc.) that weakens your ability to set healthy boundaries around your strengths.

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With so much emphasis on being a team player in the workplace, does the thought of not being known as one make you shudder? The truth is at your core the thought of “not being a team player” can really drive you to be one. Just not in a healthy and thriving capacity for you or your team’s performance. When boundaries are not distinct and defined by you or that of your team, performance suffers.

Here are 3 symptoms kryptonite has a stronghold on you.

1.     People-Pleasing. The thought of disappointing another person is too hard to bear. Paradoxically it could feel good to gain approval from another person, especially if this person is in a leadership position or there is a strong relationship. However, security in one’s identity is elusive when dependent on “self-esteem” fuel coming from the approval of others.

2.     Always “Yes.” The person struggles to say “No” to requests for help even when it will affect their responsibilities that ultimately affect their contribution to the team’s overall performance. They can be easily overwhelmed with tasks, stressed out, sick, and open themselves up to being manipulated by others.

3.     “One-Down.” An individual’s struggle to say “No” foregoes owning their power and authority to collaborate with others in mutual adult-adult relationships.

A client discovered this in one of our coaching sessions. The fear of not being seen as a team player held her back from setting healthy boundaries. Certainly, she has all of the great qualities of being a team player. She struggled to say “No” to requests for help, especially in light of how COVID had necessitated that team members step up and help. Truly understandable and reasonable. Except, when other team members were not. Why? Because other team members discovered their “go-to” person. It’s like the person who always gets ask to volunteer at church because they will say, “Yes.” Mission accomplished. As a result, this can give others an “out” to step up.

At the root of it all are fears. All sorts of fears, such as loss of status, relationship, and reprisal. Whether or not there is a culture of fear in your workplace, setting healthy boundaries first begins with how you respect yourself.

How do you know what is really driving you to be a team player? Ask yourself, “Am I motivated by fear of others or by a heart of service for others?”

How can you overcome your kryptonite and set healthy boundaries? First, leverage your strength of Superman’s X-ray vision. I invite you to simply notice this week when you say “Yes” to a request, how you feel in the moment, and be curious, “What’s that all about?”. When Superman uses his X-ray vision, he has more information at his disposal. We do too if we pause to notice.

More to come in next week’s post!

 

Keep Your Focus on the Gift of PRESENCE!

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God loved us so much that He sent His one and only Son, Jesus, to be born and live among us, which is what we celebrate today on CHRISTmas.

His mission was fulfilled by dying on a cross to take on the punishment of our sins. Three days later, He rose victoriously, defeating sin, death, and the devil, so that we may be in His PRESENCE for all of eternity! Before Jesus returned to Heaven, He shared with His disciples that the Father would send them an advocate which is the Holy Spirit to have His PRESENCE within us (John 14: 15-17). This gift came to Jesus’ disciples on Pentecost. The PRESENCE of His Spirit lives within us as believers in Jesus Christ.

What is so hard in giving our full PRESENCE with others? A few examples are distractions (i.e., cell phones and TV), time, selfishness, judgment, emotions, and a lack of truly listening. Or we’ve never experienced someone’s full PRESENCE with us.

The million dollar questions is, “How can we give our full PRESENCE with others?” As a leadership coach, I’ve been trained in the skills of PRESENCE to be for and with my clients. By all means, I’m not perfect like God’s PRESENCE, yet when I find my mind drifting, I have been trained to name it without judgment and reengage with the listening skills of attunement. Jesus is the ultimate example of how to be in full PRESENCE with others.

Thankfully, we can always count on God’s PRESENCE, especially in times of uncertainty. God is Sovereign and we know He works all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

As we hope for a better 2021, regardless of what is ahead, let us move forward in the words of Joshua 1:9 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”